I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
