Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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