my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize