I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
