a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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