Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
