Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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