Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
