i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
