She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize