The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We got so high we made milksteak
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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