I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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