and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
