Cold hands, warm shart.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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