I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
