sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
