Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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