why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
