Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
