Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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