does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
