I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
