Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Ketchup is God's man juice
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize