My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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