im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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