went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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