Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
