yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
