This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
