I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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