I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
