Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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