dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
