you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
