Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
