He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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