You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
