Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
