I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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