I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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