So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
This is the high leading the old right now
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize