I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
