I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
