I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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