I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
