I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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