I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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