my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
