Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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