I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
