Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
