Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize