matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
