things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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