I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
