I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
