Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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