i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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