i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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