pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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