last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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