It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
