Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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