i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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