my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
