Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
